Attack of the 500 lb. Chihuahua

The issue of immigration reform has taken on the unenviable quality of an ugly blind date. One is obligated to participate in an activity that is not to one's liking, or appear as shallow and ill-mannered as one actually is. But far as illegal immigration is concerned, the date is long over and they've moved in and are inviting the relatives over for Cinco de Mayo barbeque. It’s a bit late to be questioning one's decision-making process, thus the damage-control mode we are currently engaged in. With all the grace of an alcoholic awakening from a bender, we feign surprise to any involvement with the snoozing creature cuddled up against us in bed. At this point, one has two choices... participate in an activity that is not to one's liking, or appear as shallow and ill-mannered as one actually is.

As the so-called original U.S. citizens, these are basically the camps we have divided into. At Camp Denial, we don't even recognize that illegal immigration is a problem, and go about our activities as though the campers that sneak into camp have the same rights and privileges as those who paid for camp. At Camp Defender, we shoot anyone who even looks like someone who might sneak into our camp. At Camp Denial, all activities are voluntary and therefore rather slipshod in their execution, if they happen at all. At Camp Defender, your bunk is made and gun cleaned by 6 a.m., or you spend the day in the hole. All though it can be debated which camp is less fun, there is no argument that both have aspects that make staying home attractive.

So, just like the blind date analogy, the two camps analogy leads to the same conclusion... what the hell was we thinkin'? By hiring illegal immigrants, businesses opened the barn door wide in order to make a decent profit. By looking the other way, government allowed business to actually remove the barn door and place a sign up that said "Barn Door". This may be a clever enough ruse to fool suburban socialites, but farm workers are rather pragmatic when it comes to reality. Even when the words 'Barn Door' were eventually written in Spanish, somehow workers noticed there was no barn door. "Don't let the barn door hit you on the way in" became a running joke in the fields and low-paying job sites north of the border. Meanwhile, business and government snoozed comfortably in their luxury bedding.

Sometime in the 80's., the alarm went off and the boss was caught sleeping with the help. What they general public didn't realize immediately, is that a slew of offspring had already been produced that, according to established law, were U.S. citizens. This complicated things incredibly for business and government. But, rather than deal with the ugly reality of their indiscretions, they decided to build Camp Denial and Camp Defender. By sending (what they considered to be) their legitimate children to Camp Defender, and sending their illegitimate children to Camp Denial, they managed to stave off their comeuppance for one more generation. Camp Denial proved to be quite popular, with it's lack of rules and free taco nights. Camp Defender relied on it's exclusive status, namely that it wasn't Camp Denial. As Camp Denial became overpopulated and financially unsustainable, Camp Defender grew in popularity despite it's rather ornery reputation. Now, even though today Camp Defender is considered elitist and politically incorrect, nobody really wants to be part of Camp Denial, which grows more akin to the Superdome after Katrina everyday.

So, how do you get a 500 lb. chihuahua into your living room? You feed him. How do you get a 500 lb. chihuahua OUT of your living room? Ummm... let me get back to you on that.
Border patrols, walls, and immigration laws aside, finding a so-called 'solution' to the immigration issue is like curing rain. Nobody wants to get rained on, but everyone knows it is gonna happen and it is a necessary event in nature. The real issue here is 'borders' and whether they really mean anything in relation to people needing to go where they can survive and thrive.

I postulate that there are two basic positions, believing "It's Dog-Eat-Dog" and believing "We Are the World". Most folks tend to apply these beliefs on an issue by issue basis, depending on personal integrity and/or who's paying attention. Because most dyed-in-the-wool "Dog-Eat-Dog"-ers are militaristic fascists, and truly devoted "We Are The World"-ers are bleeding heart space cadets, no one can embrace either belief wholly and not be marginalized. Yet, in essence, these two philosophies personify the conflict that the immigration issue brings up for most of us.
The "Dog-Eat-Dog"-ers would literally live up to their namesake and kill and eat the 500 lb. chihuahua in the living room. Unfortunately, in the process they would develop a taste for such and hunt chihuahuas into extinction. The "We Are The World"-ers would actually move out of their house, and continue to feed "L'il Pero' until he exploded and made the whole place unlivable anyway. Is there a compromise here? Yes, but it's not a simple one.
Who's gonna tell a 500 lb. chihuahua he's gotta go on a diet?

In the 80s, musician Sting penned “I will turn your face to alabaster, when you will find your servant is your master”, (from Synchroncity 's "Wrapped Around Your Finger") and probably was not referring to illegal immigration, but these words epitomize the concerns of those who must make decisions in this matter. As our electorate becomes increasingly diverse, it is unlikely that their faces will be turning to alabaster any time soon. And for those holed-up in Camp Defender, it’s practically the school color.

Like I said, hopefully nobody is going to find a solution to rain. People are going to continue to try and make lives for themselves regardless of restrictions business and government impose upon the populace, illegal or otherwise. As Camp Denial spills over its own fencing and merges with the surroundings, it is likely Camp Defender will soon be surrounded. Although it is in great “Dog-Eat-Dog” tradition to go out in a blaze of glory, I have a feeling that when faced with the inevitable, they may balk. After all, between the two, which kind of person would you want living next door to you?